I am easily frustrated

learning what 'frustration' actually is empowered me to take the reins when things goes sideways in writing & life

On Friday, I woke to a notification that my kiddo had a snow day—in Colorado with about two inches of snow that were gone by 9am. Look, snow days happen. I get that. But I instinctively was so frustrated because I had set aside the whole day to dive back into my new writing project after a week of interruptions and suddenly that vision for my day was no longer possible. We had two inches of snow! Why had the administrators ruined my day with this ridiculous snow day?!

I am very easily frustrated, I always have been.

When things don’t go the way I expect, my tolerance fuse is quite short and I can very quickly spiral into irritability, anger, and apathy.

Last year, when I read Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown, I finally learned what the emotion of frustration really is and it blew my mind. I regularly think about it in relation to my writing, my work, and my life.

“Every day, sometimes every hour, we are consciously and unconsciously setting expectations of ourselves and the people in our lives—especially those closest to us. The unconscious, unexamined, and unexpressed expectations are the most dangerous and often turn into disappointment. In fact, the research tells us that disappointment is one of the most frequently experienced emotions, and it tends to be experienced at a high level of intensity. When we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they’re going to look… That picture we paint in our minds holds great value for us. We set expectations based not only on how we fit in that picture, but also on what those around us are doing in that picture. This means that our expectations are often set on outcomes totally beyond our control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. The movie in our mind is wonderful, but no one else knows their parts, their lines, or what it means to us.”

Excerpt From: Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brene Brown.

She goes on to define the feeling of frustration as: “Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome.”

I am a pro at what Brene calls ‘stealth expectations.’

Sometimes my expectations are not even stealthy. I set high expectations not only for what I think I can achieve in a day, but also the quality of what I think I can do, and the circumstances that I assume will allow me to do it.

In writing, this shows up as high expectations for output and quality in particular writing sessions, as well as clear visions for what I think my writing time for the day will look like. In life, this can show up as expectations for the mood I think my family members will be in and expectations for what our weekend schedule will look like.

When things don’t go as planned, I immediately become frustrated: my brain goes into overdrive assuming that whatever went awry is out of my control and will prevent me from achieving my desired outcome.

The thing is, just because something isn’t playing out as I expected doesn’t mean that I won’t achieve my ‘desired outcome'.

On Friday, for instance, I did manage to write a lot of words during my kid’s nap time and while my husband played with her.

Also, my ‘desired outcome’ changed.

It was a snow day! Sure, I hadn’t planned for it, but I got to play in the snow with my toddler. Pretty stinkin’ fun, especially after a winter of barely any snow at all.

Right now, I’m revising my sample pages of my new project for what feels like the 15th time, and I was pretty frustrated when I realized that I could to do another major restructure to improve it—BUT, I was able to step back and see how powerful this restructure will be in bringing the vision I have for the story to life. Basically, I questioned my desired outcome: Did I want to get the pages done as fast as possible? Or did I want to spend a little extra time and give the pages the pacing and tension they deserve?

Anyway, all this to say, on Friday when I got that snow day alert, I was reminded of the power of reclaiming the narrative from my own frustration.

When my instinct is to feel frustrated (in writing and in life), I’m learning to step back and reevaluate:

Just because things aren’t playing out as I expected, does that really mean I can’t still pursue whatever my ‘desired outcome’ was?

Could the thing that’s happened that’s against my expectations actually provide an opportunity for a new ‘desired outcome’?

For any other easily irritable folks out there, I suppose this is food for thought.

Thanks for reading!

When I started this newsletter a couple of months ago, I set out to prove to myself that I have thoughts worth sharing to both writers and readers. I’m really loving how it is challenging me to really think about what’s on my mind each week, and I’m deeply grateful that you’re all here willing to listen to my ramblings.

P.S. I saw another pass of the cover for Up In Molten Lights this week and it’s really coming together! I can’t wait to share it with you all. Soon, I’m hoping!

xo, E